Tears are not enough for this.

You know, it's funny. I always tell my students one thing. I tell them that once they truly understand it - they will understand almost everything. They will know why things are the way they are, they will gain a new perspective. I tell my students, "money equals power".We think we understand the power of money, but ultimately we barely even brush the surface. We don't even begin to see te depth of that truth.Money is power. Money is the power to do - or not do. Money is the root of all conflict. ALL conflict. Why is Africa in so much trouble? Money. And not even the contemporary power struggles prompted by economic instability. Africa got the short end of the stick when the grand push of empire arrived on her shores. When Britain looked around, realised that the economic security it had maintained for long was being threated. All those other countries (the US, Germany, Italy) were industrializing, Britain no longer had such an enormous advantage, and because part of their policy was to have self-sustaining colonies so British citizens wouldn't be financially responsible for empire - they realized they needed more colonies, and Africa was a rich opportunity.Money gave them the power. The quest for even more money gave them the motivation.Current global economic policy is a big fat sham.The world is going to hell and we're sitting here watching it happen. Why? Because we don't fully understand nor appreciate the power of money. The power of money as motivation. In some ways we're back to the industrial revolution. We're back to the very world that prompted the writings and political theory of Marx and his kind. Simply on a much larger scale. It is a world of "haves" and "have nots". But the gap is ever widening.I think you'll find this article interesting. Have you ever read Paul Ehrlich's "The Population Bomb"? I'm not suggesting you do, it is enough to do your head in. Basically, be predicted that there would be such a rapid growth of population that all available resources would vanish - be outstripped. A lot of it is crap. But basically, this other guy comes along, Norman Borlaug. Norman is the father of the Green Revolution, which was an agricultural revolution that took place in the 60's and 70's. Norman won a Nobel Prize for his work - and perhaps his greatest legacy is dwarf wheat. Standard wheat was top heavy, which meant it fell, rotted, and there wasn't a sufficient yield.In the end, the reason it was crap, is because the concept of finite resources doesn't take human nature into consideration. Human nature. The human condition. Advances in technology. Our skills at adapting. Things become scare, costly, and we seek alternatives.How do we do that? Money. Money gives us the power to do that, further widening the gap between the haves and have nots. Alright. I could go on forever about this, so this seems like as good of a place as any to end my tangent.

Musical Selections.

This week I've been listening to:

1. Liz Phair - Self-Titled
2. Interpol - Antics
3. Throwing Muses - Limbo
4. Tori Amos - The Beekeeper
5. The Pogues - If I Should Fall From Grace With God

It's been an interesting week.

To Be.

Ich bin. Du bist. Wir sind.
I am. You are. We are.

Is this where I reference the cogito or something?

I don't know what it is to be.

Perhaps Sartre was right. Perhaps it is existence vs. essence. Perhaps essence is determined by existence. Perhaps only man can determine his purpose and the method and means to achieve that purpose. Perhaps Nietzsche was right. Perhaps we must all surpass our humanity. Perhaps this "human condition" really a state of stagnation. We're doomed to rot unless we seek to be more than human. Perhaps it really is about transcendence. if humanity is a limitation, and it does seem to be, then this view that we must move beyond it doesn't seem too out there.

So what is it that I'm looking for? What is my purpose?

Waxing Philosophical.

Most things are a process. I was attempting to describe happiness to a friendthe other day. We were having a totally insane conversation about sandwiches and sausages. I told her that I don't consider happiness to be this ideal - a state. I don't believe in the "Land of Happy" as it were. In fact, I kind of consider happiness to be like cake. It's great once in a while, you enjoy it, but if you ate a steady diet of cake - you would end up fat, unhealthy, you would absolutely cease to enjoy the cake, and chances are you would die of a massive coronary. Happiness is something you enjoy when you have it, but you have to experience other things to be able to sustain that enjoyment.Grief is the same really. Not that you enjoy grief, but grief is cathartic - actually allowing yourself to go through the process and end up on the other side. You can learn some amazing things about yourself, gain insight, perspective. No, I wouldn't wish grief on anyone, but having experienced quite a bit of it myself I do know that there is an "other side". It isn't easy to get there, but it is worthwhile.Grief is a healing process. At first it's a gaping wound, it scabs over, you move to soon and it cracks open, maybe gets infected... but evetually it scars over. You'll always have a reminder of that pain, but you'll never experience pain like you did at first. Eventually you'll just feel a dull achey throb every once in a while. The memories of the intense pain will fade, if you dwell you can recall it, but you get to a functional point where you don't need to dwell anymore. You realize that dwelling, feeling that pain, it doesn't make a difference. But surrendering to the grief it isn't going to change the situation, it isn't going to bring them back.I suppose it is a matter of time. If we stay in that place, the "Land of Grief" as it were, we don't have to move on. Moving on is often the most difficult part. Grief sometimes seems to be the last state we shared with them/it/that part of ourselves, and we don't want to let it go. But we have to or we stagnate and die.

Sometimes you just have to do it. You just have to put yourself out there and see what happens. I know it's impossible to run away really, but there is something to be said for a change in circumstance giving you a new perspective. I'm sure you've seen Dead Poets Society. We've all seen Dead Poets Society. You remember the scene involving standing on the desk, and the change in perspective? I think moving on is like that. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the norm in order to make the changes that you need to make.

So, here is to moving on.

Marital Bliss.

If it takes shit to make bliss, well I feel pretty blissfully.

Seriously, what is up with the marrieds?

I spent the weekend being the support for a friend of mine who is almost a married. It was one drama after another, culminating in a 3am phonecall and many tears.

Yesterday my doorbell rang. It was a married friend of mine, who stepped into my house, and then promptly burst into tears.

Had it not been for a bit of a flare up, today would not have been much different. Instead I spent the day in bed. I wasn't asleep, so I did get to spend quite a bit of time thinking about all of this.

People always look around at the situations their friends are in and say "if it were me, it would be different. My relationship isn't going to be like that". In some cases I know that's true, but every relationship - marriage or otherwise - is destined to have problems. So perhaps it isn't about the problems. Perhaps it is about how those problems are dealt with.

Stranger.

Today's Musical Selection: Bran Van 3000 - Everywhere.

Oh the humanity!

Today I was a participant but felt more like an observer. I was in a bridal shop to pick up my gown for my friend's wedding. While I was waiting for them to bring it up from the back I was watching the action taking place. Large groups of women - mothers, daughters, friends. It was always easy to spot the bride in the group. I don't know what it is about engaged women in bridal shops but there does seem to be some sort of aura surrounding them.

Bitter is state of mind.

Musical Selection: Manic Street Preachers - Little Baby Nothing

My arm feels like it is going to fall off.

I'm about a third of the way into Hitler Youth. It's pretty good. It's nothing new really. None of it ever is. It's the same thing over and over again. When they promise a "new perspective" it's crap really. Sixty years later the majority of perspectives have been covered. So why keep writing about it? Haven't a clue. Why do we still read about it? I don't know that either. This is one of those "bah! why do I bother studying what I do?" moments. I have them from time to time. I suppose I'm just bitter and resentful about current trends within Holocaust Genocide scholarship. Last year alone more than 30 works were released dealing with various aspects of the Holocaust. Most of these were touted as "brilliant" giving the reader "valuable new insight", etc. However the majority of works released last year dealing with genocide were largely journalistic in nature - they were not of a scholarly nature. This isn't meant as a criticism of the works themselves, but my question is - where are the scholars?

One exception to this would be Samantha Powers' A Problem From Hell. If you haven't read this, go out and get yourself a copy right now. It is a stunning work.

Paper and Ink.

This week I'm reading:

Hitler Youth by Michael H. Kater
Imperial Reckoning by Caroline Elkins
A Public Betrayed by Adam Gamble and Takesato Watanabe

Yeah, uplifting selection.

Amusement.

Things that have amused me today:

Finding my Porn Name

Becoming an instant Pope

Go and be amused.

It only hurts when we burn our eyes.

Relaxation is for sissies.

"Icarus, I advise you to take a middle course. If you fly too low, the sea will soak the wings; If you fly too high, the sun's heat will burn them. Fly between sea and sun! Take the course along which I shall lead you. " Ovid, Metamorphoses

What if Icarus knew what he was doing? What if he would have rathered to soar for just a moment than to coast along in mediocrity for a lifetime? What if he knew that the safe road his father presented wasn't the right one for him? What if he needed a chance to shine, even if it meant his light would all too soon be extinguished?

Overrated.

"Everything else will be overrated..."

It's really not my style to second-guess my own decisions. I wonder why I'm doing it now.

"A Diamond is Forever."

Tortoise Shell?

I found this very amusing. I'm still trying to figure out what an "ass like a tortoise shell" would look like.

Awful feels softer.

Today's Special Word: Hangover.

Last Night's Special Lesson: Don't drink after working out and spending time in a sauna. Or, "dehydration + alcohol = Bad".

T is for Transcendentalist.

This is very amusing.

Truth.

You were so true to yourself you were true to no one else...

Tell me, what is truth?

This concludes the Question and Answer portion of the evening. Thank you, and please come again.

Prime.

prime \'prim\ n [ME, fr. MF, fem. of prin first, L primus; akin to L prior]

1 : first in time : ORIGINAL

2 a : having no factor except itself and one b : having no common factor except one

3 a : first in rank, authority or significance : PRINCIPAL b : having the highest quality or value

101 103 107 109 113 127 131 137 139 149 151 157 163 167 173 179 181 191 193 197 199 211 223 227 229 233 239 241 251 257 263 269 271 277 281 283 293 307 311 313 317 331 337 347 349 353 359 367 373 379 383 389 397 401 409 419 421 431 433 439 443 449 457 461 463 467 479 487 491 499 503 509 521 523 541 547 557 563 569 571 577 587 593 599 601 607 613 617 619 631 641 643 647 653 659 661 673 677 683 691 701 709 719 727 733 739 743 751 757 761 769 773 787 797 809 811 821 823 827 829 839 853 857 859 863 877 881 883 887 907 911 919 929 937 941 947 953 967 971 977 983 991 997 1009 1013 1019 1021 1031 1033 1039 1049

It's a beautiful thing.

No factor except itself and one. It stands alone. It can only divide itself. It's first in rank, an original.

We should all be so lucky.

Damned Literate.

I had every intention of going grocery shopping - but the library is right there, and I couldn't resist. For this week's reading pleasure I've selected:

Iron Tears by Stanley Weintraub

• "...Stanley Weintraub offers the first account that examines the [Revolutionary] war from three divergent and distinct vantage points: the battlefields; the American leadership under George Washington; and - most originally - that of England, embroiled in controversy over the war. Colonial America was England's Vietnam."

It Didn't Happen Here: Why Socialism Failed in the United States by Seymour Martin Lipset and Gary Marks

• "Two of America's leading political sociologists explore a phenomenon of American political exceptionalism: the failure of the socialist movement in the United States."

Blood Libel: The Damascus affair of 1840 by Ronald Florence

The First Crusade: A New History by Thomas Asbridge

• "... a gripping account of a titanic three-year adventure filled with miraculous victories, greedy princes, and barbarity on a vast scale."

The Bonus Army: An American Epic by Paul Dickson and Thomas B. Allen

• "The sweeping story of the veterans' protest that changed the course of American history..."

My prize? A flyer inside It Didn't Happen Here with this closing statement: "Thus, we urge all those who want to continue on the traditions of Frida Kahlo, Diego Rivera, and Leon Trotsky to join us today in forming a new Trotskyist International!"

Going astray.

And for today's musical selection: The Arrogant Worms.

Why Arrogant Worms? Because I just bought their latest release, that's why.

Last night I was asked to list my favorite books and/or authors. I couldn't do it. I've been thinking about it since and the list that follows is what I've come up with. It is by no means comprehensive. I've selected books that meet these criteria:

1. They have influenced me.
2. They have been memorable.
3. I've read them more than once.

Right, on with the list. In no particular order,

1. Life After God Douglas Coupland
2. The Decameron Giovanni Boccaccio
3. The Dharma Bums Jack Kerouac
4. Tender is the Night F. Scott Fitzgerald
5. The Brothers Karamazov Fyodor Dostoyevsky
6. Dubliners James Joyce
7. The Plague Albert Camus
8. The Diary of Anais Nin: Volume 3 Anais Nin
9. The Count of Monte Cristo Alexandre Dumas
10. Jude the Obscure Thomas Hardy
11. Love in the Time of Cholera Gabriel Garcia Marquez
12. The BFG Roald Dahl
13. Good Omens Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
14. The Waste Land T.S. Eliot
15. Night Elie Wiesel
16. The Odyssey Homer
17. The Little Prince Antoine de Saint Exupery
18. My Name is Asher Lev Chaim Potok
19. Lila: An Inquiry Into Morals Robert M. Pirsig
20. Travels with Charley: In Search of America John Steinbeck
21. A Prayer for Owen Meany John Irving
22. Galileo's Daughter Dava Sobel
23. The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich William L. Shirer
24. The Bible According to Spike Milligan Spike Milligan
25. Being and Time Martin Heidegger
26. The Secret Life of Dust: From the Cosmos to the Kitchen Counter, the Big Consequences of Little Things Hannah Holmes
27. God's Debris: A Thought Experiment Scott Adams

And there you have it. As I said, by no means a comprehensive list.

Pan.

My neighbor called and said that my cat was at her house and that she thought something was wrong with him.

Something was very wrong with him. I'm not going into detail because I don't think I can handle it at the moment. Recounting his struggle. No.

The vet said that the only humane option was euthanization.

Panther is gone. My fantastic, insane, wonderful, toe-licking, drool-dripping cat is gone.

Well, not just gone though. Dead. $58.50. That was the cost to have him euthanized. I have a receipt.

City.

San Francisco was interesting. San Francisco is always interesting.

Friday afternoon I went to MOMA to see the Bechtle exhibit. It was fantastic. I then spent the afternoon in Dave's - a little pub near MOMA. I chatted with a man called Ray. Ray is from New Jersey but lives in San Francisco. Ray is retired. In Ray's world, every day is Friday. Ray likes Jack Daniel's. Ray calls Jack Daniel's "tea". Ray believes that George W. Bush is evil. Ray wants Clinton back. Ray served in Korea. Ray has a photograph of Marilyn Monroe that he took himself, and he's no liar. Ray likes big band music. Ray thinks today's music is rubbish. Ray bought me a drink. Ray thinks I'm a good kid.

Friday night I met up with a friend, and his larger collection of friends, at Boondock Bay to see Assemblage23 play. It was amusing. Lots of black. Lots of leather. How can you beat that?

Saturday morning we all met up again at Q for brunch. We then tromped our way out to a comic convention - APE. It was very interesting. My friend and I ended up spending a lot of time outside smoking and talking. It was nice to see him again and "catch up" as it were.

Saturday evening I went to the Metreon and found myself smack in the middle of a big brawl in the street. While rare, it does happen.

Today was a day of "breathing" - breathing in the city. I hopped the 2 to 4th and Clement. I browsed the gloriously cramped shelves of Green Apple Books. I stopped for an espresso at the Blue Danube, someone requested I do so. I stopped in tiny shops filled with fascinating things. I talked myself out of buying many little Japanese dishes with the argument that, "you'll only have to carry them around all day and that would suck". I had lunch at the Bitter End. I poked my head in at Ireland's 32 to see if it was as bad as I remember it being and 'lo and behold - it is every bit as bad, if not worse.

It was good. I needed it. I suppose I didn't realise just how much I needed it until I was there.